


IKEA (and more

by orphan_account



Series: oof [2]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: + a cat so just regular parks, Hanahaki AU, IKEA, M/M, MENTIONS OF PLANTS + BUGS IN LUNGS IN CHAPTER 11 so skip that one if u wanna stay safe, Mentions of a one night stand, Soulmate AU, android gavin in 19, anonymously sent flowers, convienient elevator breakdowns, dating apps, dating while drunk and not knowing ur dating, dog parks, horrible and kinda nsfw flirting, it’s illegal for me to proof read, it’s not necessarily /graphic/ but it’s there, probably ooc as fuck but watcha gonna do, rest in peace carol the old lady you died so that they could investigate a murder, standing outside someone’s house early in the morning playing mr. brightside in a stereo, that one with them funky strings, there’s a sign at every ikea that says to not let gavin into the building just so u know
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-20
Updated: 2018-10-09
Packaged: 2019-06-13 12:54:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 14,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15365127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: comment writing prompts for these funky fellas you fools i need guidance to write





	1. 24 hour IKEA

**Author's Note:**

> as a disclaimer the only drunk people i remember meeting were my auntie and uncle and so this is probably inaccurate as hell but who cares
> 
> also damn im an ikea bookshelf series

It was 4 in the morning and Gavin was lost in thought, he was also lost in IKEA. 

Someone who was high in the corporate ladder of the Cheap Scandinavian Furniture industry decided an IKEA that was open for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, was a brilliant idea but Gavin was slowly coming to the realisation of how horrible the concept was.   
  
See, Gavin had decided that he needed a shelf at stupid o’clock in the morning after spending a night out with his lack of friends and drinking (because he had to do something with his hands and holding a drink was something he could do inside). When he reached his shelf conclusion he decided to set out and find one, what exactly he was looking for in a shelf was unclear but if he remembered correctly it had to do with someone named Billy.   
  
He wasn’t sure where he was or what time it was because inside of the building felt timeless due to the lack of windows, but he knew it was IKEA (probably). The countless arrows projected onto the floors and maps being handed out left, right and centre did nothing to help him find his way because the surreal nature of the store was making him have an identity crisis, contemplating his life up until this fateful moment.   


_‘Who was Gavin Reed? Was he an asshole without a cause? An insecure man hiding behind a mask? Was he still the edgy teen that tried to start an indie band and had to get his stomach pumped from eating_ a lot _of dirt at the age of 16? Three penguins and a trench coat? Wow holy shit maybe he was three penguins in a trench coat.’_  
  
He wasn’t actually three penguins in a trench coat and the idea of him thinking that  would’ve been funny if he wasn’t drunk and lost in IKEA, but alas he _was_ drunk and lost in IKEA. He was very lost, maybe in the kitchen section at the current moment? And he still had no fucking clue where or who Billy was.  
  
His perilous journey had eventually brought him through a room with a fuck ton of plants and into a gigantic hall with walls and walls or crap in cardboard boxes. He was scared shitless at how many boxes there were, _how on Earth were three little penguins going to find a shelf in all of this?_ He needed help, desperately so, but there was no sign of intelligent life around him. There was Hank Anderson though.  
  
As his brain was fogged over from his drunken state, he trudged over there to ask the man with the stupidly sexy beard where he could find Billy without too much of a thought, but he tripped and landed flat on his face in the process, bringing down at least 3 pieces of furniture with him. The loud crash made the Lieutenant jump and turn to face the crumpled mess of a man sprawled out across the floor, he was almost concerned for whoever it was until he recognised him as the precinct’s 2nd asshole-in-residence: Gavin Reed.  
  
Hank turned back around to once again contemplate his purchase of the BJÖRKSNÄS bedside table, effectively ignoring the now unmoving man. It continued on like this for at least 10 more minutes until Hank was almost worried that Gavin was dead (he didn’t want to have to do the paperwork for that later) and so he turned around to see the fallen man in the same position he landed in,  
“Reed what the fuck are you doing just lying on the floor like that?” No reply  
“Please tell me you’re not dead the precincts busy enough without having to investigate you,” A muffled reply, so muffled that the Lieutenant couldn’t make it out, “What?”  
  
Gavin dramatically rolled over so that he was facing towards the ceiling (fuck those lights were bright) rather than the floor,  
“I said ‘shut the fuck up you overrated DILF’,” his voice was very obviously slurred and his mannerisms all pointed to the glaringly obvious conclusion of him being absolutely shit-faced drunk, Hank couldn’t and wouldn’t judge there but he really didn’t want to deal with it right now.

“Whatever Reed, have fun sleeping on the floor.”   
  
As Hank turned to learn Gavin panicked, he really needed to find Billy and get his shelf. and so he called after That Grumpy Man™ in the most polite way he could muster,   
“Stop right there you sexy beast, I am very, uh, I am several very lost penguins in a, um, I need to find someone named... fuck, ah, named Billy ‘cause I have a... shelf-related problem”

  
“Sexy beast? Reed why the fuck are you calling me a sexy beast?” distress was clawing its way onto the older man’s face and voice after the out of place comment from the intoxicated detective. Distress, confusion and embarrassment.

  
“You meant what was said” he didn’t meant what Gavin said but that was neither here nor there. Swiftly moving away from the topic to avoid further embarrassment in front of the IKEA Gods, Hank decided to help the sad excuse of a man with his shelf-related problem out of pity and absolutely, positively nothing else at all. Not even the slightest smidge of anything else.  
  
“By looking for someone named Billy to help you with a shelf, does that mean you’re looking for a BILLY bookshelf?” There was a long pause, mainly so that Gavin could process what he was just told, if you looked him in the eyes for long enough you could hear the elevator music playing in his head.  
“Mmyeah I think it was Billy’s bookshelf, tell me where you hid it ya prick” Gavin started to stand whilst saying this, ready to find the shelf and then wait at the bus stop for a couple of hours, but upon standing he decided he liked being on the floor more and sunk back down again in a slightly more organised mess.  
  
Hank let out an exasperated sigh, realising that he would actually have to physically help that idiot function like a normal human being if he wanted to be rid of this awkward interaction. He paced over, leaving behind the stupidly named table, and attempted to lift the drunken form of Gavin onto his feet. Once Gavin was upright Hank thought he could let go but was immediately proved wrong and taken aback by Gavin not standing on his own and instead falling into Hank and hugging him for dear life. This was going to be a long walk to the bargain section.  
  
“Reed get the fuck off me.” He didn’t get off him, “I swear I will hurt you if you don’t let go.” Gavin’s response was a quiet ‘fuck you, I do what I want” and a tighter hold being applied, Hank was very warm and Nice. Hank’s face felt hot, that was normal, right?  
  
After a lot more persuading Hank came to the conclusion that: no, Gavin was _not_ going to get off of him anytime soon. Accepting his defeat, the Lieutenant tried to walk over to the bargain corner of the warehouse-like room, it proving itself to be a rather difficult task with a dumb asshole hanging off him like a deadweight (even if Reed was two inches tall he was still hard to drag along). There was a lot of good quality furniture wedged into the cornered off section of the store that came cheaper because it was on display, and, as luck would have it, there stood a BILLY bookshelf.  
  
“Alright here’s your shelf now get the fuck off of me,” Gavin unceremoniously fell off Hank and stared in awe at the marvelous creation in front of him,  


“Now that’s one hot bookshelf...” Jesus fucking Christ and Mother Mary, if Hank had to deal with one more second of this he’d kill Gavin and then himself,  
“Have fun with that bookshelf you freaky weirdo, if you fuck it use protection,”  
“I wouldn’t fuck a shelf you silly goose, if I was gonna fuck any inanimate object it’d be Lightning McQueen” Hank almost burst out laughing, as much of an asshole Reed was he was sorta funny when drunk. But only sort of, Hank would never admit to him being funny.  
“D’ya think they’d let you bring a bookshelf on the bus?”  
“Buses don’t run for at least another 2 hours in this area dipshit, tell you what, if you promise not to hug me or do any other weird crap I can drive you back to whatever hole you live in. But you’ll owe me one.”  
  
And so Gavin paid for the bookshelf and got driven back to his apartment by Hank, having a very engaged, one-sided conversation on his drunken opinion of the recently released 11th purge movie along the way (Hank would never admit this out loud even if you had a gun to his head but it was kind of adorable how enthusiastic he was about it). 

Come later that day when Gavin was capable of coherent thoughts he’d be confused as to exactly why and how he suddenly had a bookshelf when he didn’t own one the previous day and didn’t even have any books, or why he had a confused voicemail from Chris asking about ‘what he meant by three penguins and a trench coat”. He’d also be confused as to why everyone kept saying ‘kachow!’ to him when he got back to the precinct on Monday.


	2. Dog Park

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Strolling through the park and casually walking your cat is all fun and games until a giant fucking dog that is bigger than Pluto comes running up to you.

Strolling through the park and casually walking your cat is all fun and games until a _giant fucking dog that is bigger than Pluto_ comes running up to you.

 

It’s not that Gavin’s afraid of dogs (no really, trust me, he’s not, kinda) but this dog was one Huge Dude and he panicked. He was currently stranded on top of a part bench, restraining a very unhappy cat, her name was Ketchup, from murdering the huge beast, and was only a little scared shitless.

 

He had no idea what dog bread it was but it was white and brown and had its leash dragging on the ground behind it, so obviously it had murdered its owner in cold blood and come to slaughter the rest of Detroit’s population. The second the dog started licking at his feet Gavin felt like he was going to have a heart attack right there and now, _do dogs eat people? He hopes not._

 

As the detective started accepting the fact that he was going to die, he heard a familiar and out of breathe voice called out in his direction,

“Sumo- fuck- don’t run off like that, Jesus. Stop harassing that man and his dog, er, cat, cat?”

Ah fuck it was Lieutenant Hank Anderson, (he swears kept running into that prick at inconvenient locations and times where they were forced to interact with each other by the will of some kind of vengeful God) maybe he could bolt and save himself the embarrassment? Wait never mind they made eye contact.

“Reed? God dammit of course I run into you here. I’d apologise for my dog but fuck you”

“Sorry Lt. Booze-Fossil but I’m not interested in fucking you,” _oh that was smooth, very stupid, but smooth._ He then decided that it would be an appropriate time to run, or more accurately, speed walk away, he was 90% sure his arm looked like a war zone and he didn’t want to embarrass himself further.

His cat meowed loudly at him as a way of either saying ‘that was a really dumb thing to say’ or ‘put me down you ignorant slut’. He placed his cat on the ground and continued to speed-walk her back to his apartment. _Who the fuck names their dog ‘Sumo’?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> slightly irrelevant but look at my cat wearing a tie http://sergeant-egg.tumblr.com/post/176050350494/look-folks-shes-fucking-ready-for-buisness


	3. spicy drunk pickup lines (references to nsfw)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> breaking news: detroit man drunkenly texts asshole coworker pick-up lines

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CONTENT WARNING  
> kinda nsfw flirting a bit? theres mentions of face sitting(tm) but it doesnt actually go into any detail so ya (i will up the rating just to be safe?)

 

**Unknown Number:** Henjko stgranger. ppi hve a medical condition which requires my sface to nbe sast on buy an atractive individuial

who the shit is this and how did you get my number? **:Gavin**

**Unknown Number:** itrs ya btoy

im legally allowed to arrest you im with the dpd shut your fuck up  **:Gavin**

**Unknown Number:** first onf all im a bedttr dpdd detrective so shuit your pie ohle and secon u canfgt srrest nme if u cante prove i did ite

if u work for the dpd that explains how you got my number but whom the fuck is your name **:Gavin**

**Unknown Number:** my namea iss th masn of ytouor dresam

no  **:Gavin**

**Unknown Number:** doonrt be fuckingrude ttyou inconssideratew micdrowaved pievce of soap

_**Message** **delivery failed** _

**Unknown Number:** badebe come back

_**Message delivery failed** _

**Unknown Number:** oofd now gthat asd just eman

* * *

**313 248 317:** Detective Reed, I would like to apologies for Hank's behavior in the previous messages he sent you.

**313 248 317:** \- Connor

lt asshole didnt send me any messages u fantastic feeling thot **:Gavin**

**313 248 317:** I must have confused your number with the one Hank had messaged, have a nice day.

**313 248 317:** \- Connor

no wait what kind of shit did ur old man send people **:Gavin**

**313 248 317:** It's spelled very poorly but I think he was trying to flirt.

**313 248 317:** \- Connor

tell him his medical condition isnt gonna be cured by me sitting on his face but im happy to give it a try **:Gavin**

**313 248 317:** D̴̡̢҉̡͉̞̝͚̣͍̼̖̱̟͙̘ͅe̢͏͏̴̬̦̥̘͖̮t̡̯͚̪̹ę҉̧͚̭͖̙̯͍̱̘c̷̙͕̙̙̼̯͉͕̮̮̦̗̙̝͕ͅţ̛̞̻̱̳̱͕̫͉͕͎̘̝͚̗̭̹͈̯͞i̷̞̦̣͎͡v҉̢͕̗͙͎̖̥͉̲͎̠̭̭̭͈̤e̢̤̟̮̞̱͖̥͎͕̕ ̷̧͘͝͏͖͚̭̮̰͉͍̟̩̳̖̫̘̼̘R̶̡̦̻̞̦̯̖̖̳̼̙̫̩̟̦̟̞̫ͅe̴̗͓̙̙̲̩͜͞e̸̵͓̣̳̩̺͙̠̯̬̞̹̼̣d̵̦͈̟̣̱͇̜̣͚͓͚̞͓͙̦̹̣͠ ̵̧̞͓͕͎̱̞̩̟̙͢͝Ḭ̸̣̠̥̦̙͜͜͡'̷̨̞̩͈͔͕̻͎̦͍͕m̡̛̛͈̫̠̳̟̣̩̞̺̮̼͚̗̻͕̣̝̬̕͞ ̴̡̢̨͕̺̻͓͎̲̱̠͟n̵̛̩͉̦̤̤͖̩͎̞͘͡o̧̩̤͉̮̙̝͔̰͍̠͙̜̰̱t̷̨̖̼͉͍̖̜̻͍̫̤̠͈̞̞ ̷̴̢̪̪͔̲̹͘͞s̡̢͇̣͈̺͉̗̩̙͓͕̱̗̪̟͈a̴̬̯͕̜͈̣͘͞y̷̪̙̘̘͎͍i̛̞̼̝͍̪͉̦̲̣͖͔͟͝ͅn̴̡̕҉̞̝̝̫̲̣̰ͅg̨͇̝̠͓̜͎͇̟̣̤͎̟̟̝͇͕͔̤͞͞ ̧̝̲̭͓͢͠͝t͖̰̱͈͉̩͓̙̗͇̣͚͎̩͚͕̕͟ḩ̷̶̱̠̰̥̖̙͖̰͎̘̗͕̰̠̖̳͞a҉̷̵̧̻͉̖̰͝ţ̵͕͇̰̳͍̻,̷̸̛͙͚͇̬̲̫͙͟,̧̮͓̖̟̩̙̝͞,̷͏̶͉̦̪̤̼̰̱͉͉̙͖̥͘ͅͅ

 


	4. dating apps are for cowards and gavin IS a coward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mmmmmdating apps,,,, very Not Cliche and original,,,,,,,i am the modern day mary shelly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please for the love of John send me prompt requests i wanna appease the audience gods

In this day and age dating sites were riddled with viruses and people trying to kill you.

 

Ever since the reincarnation of Jack the Ripper popped up in 2023 there was a 90% chance that anyone on anything dating site related would kill you. There was also a 9% chance that they’d be a bot or virus with only a pathetic 1% chance you’d talk to a well meaning human being/maybe an android. That’s why people hooked up online through Craigslist nowadays.

 

That was probably a terrible decision that they made as a society considering how shady most things on Craigslist seemed (at least based on those ‘true stories’ on youtube.com, he’d never actually used it) but that was fine, it was safer than tinder.

 

Despite the danger of it, Gavin decided he was desperate enough to get his mind off that Asshole From Work(tm) that he’d run the risk of being murdered. There was a Hip and New website hitting the scene called ‘finder’ (creative, I know) which was the first new one since clownr in 2020.

 

The good part about dating apps is that there was no way of knowing if you’d ever meet the other person in reality so if you say some stupid shit it might never make its way back to you. Another good thing about this dating app in particular was that you were forced to be completely anonymous (aside from age and gender) for the first 3 months of talking to someone, which meant you couldn’t track down and stab the other person without putting in months of effort.

 

He’d made his account (featuring horribly taken photos of him and Ketchup) and put in minor details about himself and waited. Using Future Technology(tm) the site ~paired you up with your perfect match~ and then forced you to chat with them.

 

Over the course of the next couple months after the initial creation of his profile he’d talked with around 7 people, 8,000,000,000 credit-card-stealing bots and someone named Alan who probably would’ve killed him. To be frank, it was frustrating because it hadn’t worked at ALL with any of the previous pursuits of romance and he was seriously considering giving up.He wasn’t actually going to give up though, because if Gavin Reed was one thing other than an asshole, he’s stubborn.

 

His phone obnoxiously went ding beside him, indicating he’d once again been paired with ~a potential soul mate~ and part of him didn’t want to message whoever it was. But he did.

 

He typed out the words ‘oof hello’ and pressed send, making sure to keep it all lowercase in order to display a Cool and Calm facade. He got a reply almost immediately that read _‘Jesus christ i thought we left oof in 20gayteen’_ oh he hopes to fuck that whoever this was had at least some sense of humour and wasn’t actually pissed at him for saying oof.

 

‘As long as im olive and kicking oof will remain’ oh phck no he forgot to manually make the ‘a’ a lowercase, his facade was ruined.

_‘If youre saying oof i’m bringing back peanut butter jelly time’_

‘man fuck u and the Cube’

_‘even though that meme is 4 years old ill allow it because its slightly more current’_

 

* * *

 

Now it was 3 months later, things had been going good with him and Internet Stranger, and Gavin was currently stressing over the fact that Oh! You find out who that guy is today! And he finds out who you are!

 

It was worrying to know that this guy would know who he was, what if he didn’t like Gavin? He himself knew he’d like that guy regardless because he was fun to talk to and made him feel a little bit giddy, plus he’d helped him get over Lt. Impossible to Pursue Romantically.

 

He knew that Internet Stranger’s profile would most likely be visible to him right now but part of him didn’t want to look because the other guy would know that he had looked and then there was the possibility of meeting in person which raised his stress level by 69%, he was sure that if he was an android he would’ve self destructed at this point.

 

He decided that, fuck it, he’d look, so he opened up his phone, then opened up the app, then clicked on a couple things until, finally, he was at the guys profile.

 

Fuck him upside-own with a cucumber he’d been talking to Hank for the past months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> proof reading is for chumps


	5. hank is a coward also

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wrow a continuation,,,,,,,,,,ajdlshdhf

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact i ain’t doing too hot so i am Physically Unable To Write Anything Seriously

Against his better judgement Hank had been using a dating app for the past 3 months, by some magical coincidence the first person he got matched with was pretty damn alright so hopefully this wouldn’t end badly because he didn’t particularly want to do try again, meeting people be dammed.

 

Today was meant to be the ‘big reveal day’ where he got to look at whoever this guy was’ profile and vice versa but he left it alone all morning and decided to check it after work.

 

* * *

 

 

The part of work where you actually did your job was slow paced today, however, the part where you fuck around and talk to your coworkers was filled with excitement because something happened to Gavin Reed: Precinct Asshole.

 

Since Hank usually arrive 5 years late there was plenty of time for shit to go down. Apparently Gavin had been skittish, embarrassed and grumpy the whole morning and got even more embarrassed and grumpy if you asked him why. On top of that Connor had apparently been scanning his heart rate and ever now and then it spiked to unhealthily high. This was all very out of character him. Sure, the guy got embarrassed every now and then but this was Gossip Level embarrassment.

 

This was all Very Juicy Gossip but what was even Juicer Gossip was the fact that when he walked into the break room for some delicious Bean Juice(tm) Gavin happened to be in there, and you know what he did? He fucking _squeaked (actually fucking squeaked)_ and bolted out of the room with a face more red than the stripes on Waldo’s shirt.

 

Although there were many theories no one actually knew what had caused this phenomenon. Tina suggested that he had been replaced by an alien who was terrible at acting, Officer Person had suggested that he was possessed by a confused ghost, Chris had suggested that it was some kind of social experiment conducted by the illuminati, and the PC200 named Bob had suggested that they had somehow crossed into a parallel universe where Reed acted like this all the time.

 

No matter how far fetched that all sounded, none of those theories were as far fetched as Connor’s. Connor, no matter how bad he was at understanding his own emotions, was very good at putting peoples ‘symptoms’ into google to determine what they were feeling. This Fool had reached the conclusion that _Gavin fucking Reed_ had a _crush_ (a fucking crush!) on _Hank fucking Anderson_. So needless to say Connor’s abilities as a detective were called into question.

 

* * *

 

 

Throughout today’s Drama(tm) he’d almost forgotten about that funky little dude on the dating app, so as he was leaving the precinct he figured that It Couldn’t Hurt to look at this guy’s profile. Halfway out the door the app loaded and who else could it have been other than That Little Prick, he was so ridiculously startled by this new information that he straight up threw his phone to the ground and went into panic! at the disco mode.

 

The sudden and dramatic reaction caused all of the officers within a 20 foot radius to take notice of him,

“Hank are you alright,” _Oh yes Connor he’s fucking peachy that’s why he panicked and threw his phone_ (hopefully it wasn’t broken). He made direct eye contact with Connor out of fear and tried to say something but the sheer amount of alarm he was feeling prevented him from doing so.

 

Why in the name of fuck did that adorable and fun to talk to guy on the internet have to be _Gavin_? Of all people, _Gavin Reed_? Clearly the government was out to get him. There was a section in the Whitehouse dedicated to making Hank Anderson’s life as difficult as possible.

He managed to say a really loud ‘fuck’ before marching over to Reed’s desk (he had left at this point), writing _‘fuck you you fucking cute little gremlin’_ on a sticky note, slamming it on the table and storming out and into his car.

 

As if on cue he got a message from You Know Who that read _‘Hey prickshit we should get coffee some time maybe if you wanted to’_ damn him and damn the fact that Hank wanted to say yes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another fun fact i didn’t know that the Americans(tm) changed wally to waldo so i thought it was just being said like that as a joke


	6. stereos and standing outside of people’s houses is an underused cliche

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> how to get your man 101: remember nothing but mr. brightside

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> u funky folks gotta send requests or else

In his own personal opinion, Gavin Reed was very good (read: bad, very bad) at hiding his feelings (even hiding them from himself). Especially unrequited romantic feelings.

 

Back when he was just starting out as cop, fresh meat yet to have the shit beaten out of him by being in the police force _(Admittedly he wasn’t a particularly good cop, he’d barely even graduated from Police School(tm) but because of the recent killings of a million different copycat killers imitating That Fucker From Ye Olde Whitechapel it was all hands on deck around the globe)_ , he’d been buddied up with Hank Anderson for plot convenience. And he had fallen **hard >/b>.**

 

But that was all good, he was _definitely 100% over that_ and didn’t have a spotify playlist named ‘Songs that Remind Me Of That Fuck <3’. And there was no way that his alcohol induced lack of a filter between his brain and his mouth was causing him to let the beans out of the bag to his coworkers Chris and Tina. Nope, that was not currently happening.

 

They were not planning ways for Gavin to dramatically confess his love, and none of those non-existent plans involved a really old stereo and playing Mr. Brightside outside Hank’s house.

 

He did not buy an old, second hand stereo that night when going home, and he did not burn Mr. Brightside onto a CD to play on the stereo.

 

Without him doing any of that it was really hard to explain why he was standing outside of Hank’s house with a stereo playing The Best Song(tm) at 4 in the morning with only two hours until he had to get to work. He had no recollection of doing any of the things that lead up to this but _whoo doggy_ does he remember actually standing there with the stereo for at least 5 plays of Mr. Brightside

 

On top of all that he had no clue on how he and Hank actually started _going out_ because he remembered nothing _after_ standing out there either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this in 10 minutes p


	7. thanks deviancy for letting me lock people in elevators

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Local Rat-Bastard And Salt Cookie From Cookie Run Get Locked In An Elevator, What Happens Next Will Shock You!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> prompt suggested by CryingCow so thank u fresh and funky human
> 
> also the dpd has an elevator now because i am their god and i say so
> 
> also thanks for 420 hits no one else click on this fic

Deviancy sure did have its perks, but it also had the downside of actually taking note of things not relevant to his ‘mission’ like how Hank and Gavin _were terrible at courting each other_.

 

Connor’s reliable friends on Yahoo Answers and his Robot Detective Skills(tm) had helped him decipher that they were _trying_ (read: trying and failing) to communicate their emotions to each other and so he had decided to take action.

 

That action included getting them both stuck in an elevator for a couple of hours. Chances are that if they didn’t die by doing something stupid there was a chance they’d at least talk like civil human beings. Beyond that maybe there was a chance that they’d both stop being oblivious idiots, a slim chance but a chance none the less.

 

The plan was put into action that Tuesday (he’d also made precautions to listen in on the conversation in case they tried to murder each other) when renovations were taking place in a location that could logically damage the power momentarily (to avoid having the blame pinned on himself) and now all he had to do was get them both into the elevator.

 

* * *

 

Hank had no idea _why_ Connor wanted him to follow him into the elevator at exactly 2:14pm but the android had asked him weirder favours so he had reluctantly followed. When Connor had told him to stay and then rushed off the second they got to the elevator he figured that maybe something was up, but when Gavin fucking Reed begrudgingly stepped into the elevator he _knew_ that something was up. He didn’t know exactly **what** was up though, that was until the elevator started to move and the power conveniently went out.

 

“I swear to god I’m gonna murder you when I get out of here,” was Reed’s first response to the unexpected and totally expected blackout. Apparently he’d been coerced into the elevator by Connor too, “I’mgonna kill you _and_ that piece of shit friend of yours Anderson.”

 

“Wow Nelly calm your fucking horses, why are you yelling? WHY are you yelling?” (said like that one vine) This Asshole blamed _him_ for Connor’s scheme? Was he _trying_ to get in a fight?

 

“Right, yes, I’m sure you’re just _conveniently _in the fucking elevator when it gets broke!”__

 

“Calm the fuck down you fucking gremlin!” Oh brilliant he’s angry now, better crack his fucking knuckles and prepare to Punch A Thot.

 

“I’m a _gremlin_ now? A fucking _gremlin_? you piece of shit! What do you think gives you the right to make fun of my height whilst we’re stuck in a fucking death trap!”

 

“It’s not a fucking death trap calm the shit down you rat-bastard we’ll be fine! Connor just tripped the fucking power or something to carry out an outlandish plot of his, jesus christ dude,” apparently that Did Not Help and Reed was still angry and distressed as fuck.

 

“That’s all good and fine for you to say but there are like 83.5 different fucking reasons to be fucking panicking!” Gavin yelled, chances are people all the way in Australia could hear him at this point.

 

“I can think of like 3 reasons tops so shut your goddamn mouth unless you care to enlighten me!”

 

“ _Why_ do you think Connor fucking put us in here, huh? What fucking possible reason could he have! I can think of at least a hundred and the second worst one involves his _fucking crab suit!_ ”

 

“There is only _one fucking reason_ why Connor locked us in an elevator Reed and I’m sure you can figure it out if you open your eyes”

 

“ _I_ should be the one to open my fucking eyes?Wait, no, you’re implying that Connor’s trying to kill us! _Phck I knew he’d snap eventually it was all just a matter of time!”_

 

“Connor’s not trying to fucking kill us it’s about the flirting!” well now the beans were really outa the bag, he’d have to talk this shit out and that way Never Fun.

 

“Oh............so it’s a murder that was planned by you and Connor because I’ve been flirting with you? Fuck, I survived that ghost prison and I’m gonna die in a fucking elevator by the hands of a cop.”

 

 _“You’ve_ been flirting with _me_?” This Was An Unexpected Plot Twist. Whatever Was He To Do, “I thought I was flirting with _you_ ”

 

“No offence dude but you are terrible at flirting if you’ve been flirting with me, Anderson”

 

“Oh like you’re any fucking better, Reed”

 

Conveniently, the power came back on, “Ya know you’ve gotta explain Connor’s crab suit to me and how that was related to the elevator getting stuck now, right?”

 

“Guess I’ll have to do that over coffee some time or maybe at some kind of moderately-priced-at-most restaurant?” That not-so-smooth motherfucker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hank, flirting and wildly gesturing to the floor: Oh No! I Dropped My Line, I Guess I Have To Pick It Up Now.
> 
> Gavin, who is dumb as shit: anderson please leave me alone youve been saying shit like this all week and i have nightmares about it


	8. i’m always a slut for soulmate aus + unrequited love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘101 ways to get kicked in the teeth by fate’ written and directed by gavin reed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> something that’s not written with a horrible amount of Unseriousness? in my good christian mother? н

The infamous strings of fate had been the bane of Gavin’s existence since he realised he could see them. Up until the age of 11 he never brought it up to anyone because he thought it was perfectly normal to see red string connecting people to one another.

 

When he learned what they were at 8 he still didn’t know that not everyone could see them. Eventually he’d asked his mother why she was married to his father when they weren’t tied to each other, after a a few very specific series of incidents this was what eventually brought to light that not everyone could see them.

 

Gavin hadn’t really been all that excited to meet his soulmate, purely because he was sick of people asking him to see who _their_ soulmate was. Eventually it got to a point where he stopped telling anyone.

 

It was annoying sometimes, to have his vision crowded with a constant cat’s cradle of red, but he learned to drown it out. By the time he was an adult he’d almost stopped actively noticing them in their entirety.

 

Until he met his own ‘soulmate’.

 

He couldn’t really call him that though. His string wasn’t tied together with the other man’s. It was wound around Gavin’s ring finger but twisted around the neck of Him. Twisted in a way that would’ve been suffocating and horrid had the strings been physically there.

 

He didn’t know what it meant, he was confused at first but through hours of searching he’d discovered what fate had handed him. The conclusion was one that had briefly crossed his mind when he’d seen the man’s own string stretch off into the mess of the detroit.

 

Either by chance or destiny he was meant to fall in love with Hank Anderson but never be returned any feeling kinder than that you’d give to a stranger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is short but lemme tell u i love soulmate aus but i love unrequited love soulmate aus even more


	9. flowerssssss в

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> anonymous flowers are good nnn thank cryingcow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this at the speed of sound like an absolute mad lad. not really but pretend

~~~~Whoever was sending these terribly-cut flowers to Connor had to fucking stop before Hank hunted them down and slapped them.

 

He at least _presumed_ they were for Connor (they weren’t, but he didn’t know that) because who would anonymously send flowers to him.

 

The plants themselves look like they’d been cut out of an unsuspecting neighbour’s garden rather than actually bought at a florist, so this person was obviously not made money which ruled out the Kardashians and the Rothschilds. They weren’t necessarily ugly flowers, in fact they were quite pretty, but they clearly weren’t purchased at a store.

 

Eventually one had come along that had actually been purchased, made up of your basic Red Roses(tm) and a bag of basil attached to it for whatever reason. According to Connor’s database of useless facts the roses meant ‘love’ (obviously) and that the basil meant ‘hatred’, this anonymous person was either stupid or didn’t care that those two meanings were completely contradictory of each other.

 

Connor went off to get a vase but returned without one and handed the flowers over to Hank with a sheepish look on his face,

“I found a note attached to it”

 

Hank was confused until he too located the small square of yellow card tied to the bouquet. On the card were 12 words that flipped the whole situation on its head.

 

The note read: ‘please stop giving my flowers to the android it’s very fcking rude’. Apparently the flowers weren’t meant for Connor and instead meant for him. Suddenly he cared a lot more as to why he got basil.

 

Then something clicked. The cheap way of acquiring flowers, the basil in a bag that allegedly meant this person hated him, the misspelling of fuck that acted as the but of a couple jokes at the precinct. He had a theory that this flower-sending asshole was that prick Gavin.

 

“Well considering we have basil we could cook something with it,” Connor broke the silence,

“No fucking way you’re banned from the kitchen for a reason, Connor.”


	10. murderers don’t like it when u make too much eye contact with each other

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TheCephalopodAgency this for u
> 
> even the scumbag criminal wants them to smooch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> rest in peace carol the old lady

Detective Reed had been assigned to look into the murder of an elderly woman named Carol, but he was sadly not the only one assigned to look into it. Apparently because of confidential police reasons he had to work with Lieutenant Anderson, something about this case being connected with one of his. Whatever the reason he didn’t care, all he knew was that it was annoying and hard to focus with him around.

 

Gavin was able to do his job okay enough for no one to bring it up, but it was distracting having the dude you were infatuated with right there in the room all the time. This was absolutely nothing other than a short-lived crush that should’ve died away by now, he was so sure of that he’d managed to convince himself it was true.

 

Through his constant staring and quick back-and-forth glances he’d taken note that Hank was distracted by something too. He didn’t know what it was but by the time Gavin had worked up the courage to bring it up there was a loud thud from up in the house’s attic. Either something miraculously fell over or someone was up there.

 

There’s been a trend with the murderers as of late, half the people they’d brought down to the station decided to not leave the victims house either because they were scared or just plain stupid. You’d think that if you had the guts to kill someone you’d have the guts to walk out the door but apparently not.

 

Clearly this was a case of the killer staying in the house. Or ghosts were in the attic and Gavin would rather not deal with ghosts.

 

He decided to go fuck it, pull down the ladder, and climb up into the dusty old attic. He was later followed by the distraction-on-legs and they went about looking through the loft. Gavin had his hand near his holster just in case the suspect decided to try some murdery-business and it seemed Hank had the same idea.

 

He located the source of the noise and it was a lamp and a pile of something that used to resemble books but is now mostly dust. Someone or something had knocked it down, probably someone but knowing his luck it could’ve been something ghosty.

 

“Anderson I found what made the noise,” he called out to the other man, turning to look at see where he was in the room. They made eye contact. _Prolonged_ eye contact. That lasted way longer than it needed to.

 

It was awkwardly broken when they both realised that they should stick to being more alert to avoid possible death and/or injury.

“Try checking the area around it but be careful ‘cuz we might have to take him out”

 

“Or you could take me out instead in a date kinda way,” thankfully his flirtatious mutterings weren’t heard by the other officer, but they _had_ been heard by the assailant. Who had laughed.

 

Both of the cops took notice of this and Gavin gestured with his head to where he thought the laugh had come from. They both stalked over to the possible position with their hands on their guns and ready to take this person down if needed.

 

The suspected had noticed them closing in and decided to try and bum rush the attic’s entrance but thanks to Police Training(c) the most-likely criminal was successfully apprehended. They had escorted him into Gavin’s police car and driven the fucker to the station (even though detectives and lieutenants probably didn’t usually do that, fuck the police i don’t know how they work).

 

During the agonisingly long 20 minutes drive back to the precinct Gavin kept stealing glance’s in Hank’s direction before quickly returning his gaze back to the road. There was a horribly uncomfortable silence that hung over the car. By the time that they got stopped at the millionth red light in a row Hank had cleared his through and decided to try and break the blanket of silence,

“So nice weather we’re having”

 

“Not as nice as your face” that didn’t come out as insulting as he’d intended. In fact, it had forced its way from his brain to out of his mouth with the exact opposite effect of insulting. If the actual words he said weren’t damming enough his tone of voice was all off too, instead of coming across as insulting and defensive it had sounded soft and sincere which was _very very bad_.

“What?”

“What?”

 

Before either man could say anymore they were interrupted by an over exaggerated groan from the guy in the backseat,

“For the love of god just fucking kiss! I pity your stupid co-workers for having to put up with this just send me to prison already, Jesus.”

 

“You have the right to remain silent so fucking use it” said both Hank _and_ Gavin at the exact same time. If the light hadn’t turned green they probably would’ve said something about it but the person in the PT Cruiser behind them was angrily tooting their horn.

 

They’d talk about this later. Or never, never was a good time to talk about this too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fuck the detroit canon gavin has all of my hobbies, opinions and fears now. i can’t stop thinking about ghosts i think the government is trying to prevent me from becoming all powerful


	11. local australian takes hanahaki too far (mentions of lung related grossness)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> burrahobbit asked for hanahaki so that’s what i did
> 
> MENTIONS OF PLANTS AND INSECTS IN LUNGS SO STAY SAFE KIDDOS DONT READ UNLESS UR COOL WITH THAT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bugs!bugs!bugs!bugs!bugs!bugs!bugs!bugs!bugs!bugs!bugs!bugs!bugs!bugs!bugs!bugs!bugs!bugs!bugs!bugs!bugs!

Plain and simple, it _fucking hurt_ to have hanahaki disease. The media always depicted it as something beautiful and poetic but that was complete bullshit, it was hard to imagine how retching over your sink at 3am and coughing up a lungful of rose-semen at any given opportunity was seen as romantic.

 

The worse part wasn’t the pain though, the fear was what really got to you. The knowledge that there were roots and vines somehow managing to live inside of your body was distressing enough without the fact that it was thriving off your emotional distress and the would eventually kill you. The fear of death. The fear of the plants. The fear of _the bugs_.

 

You could feel the flowers, too. Twisting and tangling inside your lungs, winding and rooting themselves in nooks and crannies that plants and petals should definitely not get into. But there was were worse still.

 

The most horrendous and horrific part of hanahaki were the insects. The mere concept of bugs miraculously forming inside of your body was traumatic, and the sheer terror that comes with coughing up a handful of caterpillars, earwigs, slugs, whiteflies, aphids, beetle grubs and Japanese beetles was enough to drive someone mad. These things were _living inside you_.

 

People died from the severe damage to their lungs. People died from chocking on petals and stems. People died from drinking pesticides to stop the insects. Short and bitter, people died. But even amongst the clinging roses and climbing cutworms it was rare for insurance to cover the cost of having it all removed.

 

* * *

 

He didn’t know he had it at this time. At no point had it clicked in his brain that the uncomfortable feeling in his chest was a growing and living plant. He had coughed, he had gagged, he had retched but no petal or leaf had come up to indicate what his problem was.

 

In the stress of a police department on a Wednesday afternoon was when it all fell into place. A cough, a choke, a petal. It’s as if the universe decided that the feeling of heart wrenching unrequited love wasn’t enough.

 

Gavin Reed spent at least thirty minutes staring down at the blood soaked rose petal in his hand, unable to think or feel anything at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here’s a cursed concept for ya: hanahaki florist au


	12. drunk dating: hipper and cooler than blind dating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> for wadjamacallit xxfrankenheartxx kinda? not exactly drinking partners but kinda

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dontcha hate it when ur bf is 500 times larger than u so when he almost kills u with a bear hug u can’t escape? i personally can’t relate

Neither of them knew it but at some point they’d become drinking partners. It was a phenomenon that they weren’t aware of but whenever Gavin went out drinking he would miraculously run into Hank and whenever Hank went out drinking he would run into Gavin. Even when either of them would stay at home to drink the other would just show up unexpectedly.

 

It was almost like they had a drunken 6th sense to know that _oh! The other has had enough alcohol I guess I’ll head on over there!_ And the funny thing was that they never remembered any of it. No recollection of the whole relationship they had built whilst shit-faced whatsoever.

 

Most of the time they drank at Jimmy’s Bar because Jimmy was an absolute mad lad and the booze was cheap _(plus it was mentioned in the actual game and I am a coward)._ If you were to interrogate the regulars there they would probably say that Gavin and Hank were annoying, flirty and most definitely hopelessly in love. Anyone who got within 100 feet of them whilst they were drunk and in each other’s presence could practically feel the air of puppy-love that they produced.

 

This neat and tidy thing they didn’t know they had going on became very messy and untidy when Hank showed up to work what Florence + The Machine would call hurricane drunk. Not sober, not tipsy, not even absolutely hammered, but the kind of drunk where it was almost physically impossible to have your liver exist within the same dimensional space as the rest of you. Whilst it was commonplace for the infamous Lieutenant Anderson to be late and rock up with at least a little alcohol in his blood this was a stage where he probably should have been dead and definitely shouldn’t have been at work at a fucking police station.

 

At this point in intoxication Hank was very, _very_ flirty with random strangers and most people he knew that weren’t considered family. If you pair up a flirty drunk man with the loveable asshole he’s been dating-while-plastered you’re gonna have a bad time, or a really amusing time depending on who you ask.

 

The first thing that Mr. Liquored Up did when he wobbled through the doors was dizzily make his way over to his desk without Connor’s help (he was an independent Lieutenant who didn’t need no android) and pretend he wasn’t drunk. The thing about pretending you’re not drunk when you are is that you’re very bad at acting. Everyone knew he was totally wasted if not by his mannerisms then by the pungent smell of alcohol wafting off him like water on a slippery-dip.

 

Of course Gavin had to mess with a drunk Hank because he had an appearance as Department Asshole and couldn’t loose his title to that new guy Maxwell. This was a very poorly thought through plan, however, as Hank had immediately recognised him as Datemate Gavin rather than Sober Gavin. His initial response was to go in for a hug and not let go.

 

“Babe it’s been like forever since I last saw you” his voice was very slurred and he pronounced his ‘s’s for an extended period of time not unlike a snake. He was also very loud which drew the attention of what felt like the whole precinct. The amount of bones in Gavin’s body probably doubled from being snapped in half and there was definitely immense fear at work.

 

“Please let go of me Anderson I would rather not die right now,”

 

“Hmmm......no.” He was going to have ‘hugged to death by drunk co-worker’ on his gravestone and there was nothing he could do about it.

 

“Anderson for the love of phck please let me go.” He Was Not Letting Go. Apparently this scene was fun and amusing to all of his coworkers but they wouldn’t be laughing when he dropped dead. Maybe.

 

“Doll we’ve been uh............” Doll? _Doll??_ Maybe Gavin had already died and was currently in a fucked up version of hell, “Dating for at least 4 months I just wanna....hug you........”

 

Wherever drunk Hank had gotten this information from was clearly a very unreliable source and needed to be eliminated immediately. Preferably with a gun. _Maybe he’d stop if they played along?_

 

“Um, Honey, we’re at work so I would appreciate it if you stopped crushing my bones and let go of me,” having said that through gritted teeth, Gavin decided he wanted to die.

 

“No.” Oh for fucks sake.

 

* * *

 

> **Notes for the Chapter:**

> catch these hands not-so-subtly-but-kinda-not-obviously projecting crap on gavin ,’)
> 
> that drawing was by my dumb ass and based off a watermarked image from google ,’))))


	13. ow lung bones pt. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dust under the rug wanted more hanahaki so ask and you shall recieve uwu

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of bugs + plants in lungs but a lot less than the last hanahaki chapter

No one else had noticed it apparently, but there was something up with Reed.

 

Hank never necessarily liked the guy but he looked sicker and was a lot more jumpy than usual, which, even if he hated the guy’s guts, was a little worrying. At this point it had been going on for months and only getting worse.

 

Not only was Detective Reed coughing more and more (he looked startled whenever he did), but generally they were talking to folks around the precinct way less. Don’t get him wrong, Hank _loved_ not having to deal with the cocky bastard being a prick every 2 seconds, but it didn’t feel right to not have the champion of assholery avoiding everyone like the goddamn plague.

 

He found out the cause of this newfound quietness when he wasn’t planning on it. Hank was in the break room and making himself some coffee, Gavin was already there when he arrived but quickly left as soon as he noticed Hank. As per usual.

 

On his was out of the break room Gavin had stopped to do what sounded like coughing up his whole lung, and he just ignored it because this was commonplace in recent times. His small and startled yelp was what drew Hank’s attention. Cupped in the detective’s hands was a living earwig and torn up shreds of petals, this served as a pretty good explanation for the odd and unusual behaviour.

 

He’d hate to admit it, but he pitied Gavin after that. He pitied him and ignored it.

 

It was surprisingly easy to remain numb to someone else’s fate when you were indifferent to them, and it was surprisingly easy to ignore when something was very wrong with that person.

 

Hank ignored the coughing. He ignored the retching of flowers that could be heard in the bathroom sometimes. He ignored the panicked look when something alive came out of the detective’s throat.

 

But what was harder to ignore were the sad eyes and looks cast in his direction every now and then. But Hank managed anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey uuuuuu quick question here but what’d u folks think about me maybe writing a chaptered thing with a continuous plot for these fellas? and if u think that’d be cool what of? cuz i only have one idea that’s smartly titled ‘be gay, do crimes’


	14. drunk dating part 2: electric boogaloo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dontcha hate it when you try and go to a bar and get ahitfaced to forget about allegedly dating your coworker but instead everyone at the bar thinks your dating too?
> 
> cryingcow ask for a continuation so yeet my dudes

After a long afternoon of almost being bear-hugged to death by a drunk coworker who is most definitely _not_ your boyfriend it’s nice to go out and get drunk in an unfamiliar bar, but alas, Gavin’s plans were foiled. Apparently this was a **familiar** bar.

 

He’d waltzed into Jimmy’s bar which was presumably foreign land but apparently not. The second the detective walked into the bar there was a simultaneous groan of annoyance from every single patron. _What the phck_.

 

Gavin unceremoniously sat down on a stool by at bar and slumped over. He was about toask the guy behind the bar (probably Jimmy) for whatever would kill him instantly but he wasn’t to get a word in before he was asked if he wanted the usual.

 

“What?” Gavin was fairly certain he’d never been to this bar before, much less been enough times to have a usual.

 

“I asked if you wanted the usual.”

 

“I’ve never been here before though, why do I have a usual?” At that the bartender started laughing a little. Maybe Gavin actually did a lot of the stuff they thought they didn’t, he never really had a good memory anyway.

 

“Of course you haven’t been here,” the statement was dripping in sarcasm as the guy turned around and started making what Gavin probably would have gotten anyway, “Odd to see you without your boyfriend,”

 

Oh that’s just brilliant, apparently he’s dating _another_ guy without any memory of it. First Hank now whoever this dude was referring to.

 

“It’s good though, everyone’s sick of you’re flirting,” admittedly that would explain the annoyed noises and looks “but outside of that I’m glad to see Hank happy”

 

“For the love of phck Hank isn’t my boyfriend why does everyone keep saying that!” ah. They said that louder than wanted and now everyone was looking. Perfect.

 

“I swear you’ve called him your boyfriend like a hundred times, Gavin,” no he had not! Jesus Christ it’s like the whole world just decided it was Fuck With Gavin Reed day or something.

 

“Va te faire foutre! Putain de merde!” (it’s always more insulting when you say it in french, that’s their motto) Gavin said before storming out of the bar and attempting to locate the nearest ditch to crawl up and die in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as far as i know ‘va te faire foutre’ means go fuck yourself and ‘putain de merde’ means fucking shit


	15. sleep is for the weak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> requested by xxfrankenheartxx ,’)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hot diggity sorry this wasn’t produced at lightning speed aldhalwghf

Gavin looked tired as shit, that much was obvious to anyone with a working set of eyes, and Hank was a little worried. He usually looked tired (who doesn’t these days amirite) but it was more-so than usual and it was paired with a couple of odd and unusual behaviours.

 

The detective had been more irritable as of late (and that was saying something) and it never looked as if he was actually able to pay attention to much. Worst of all Gavin had been seen _actually drinking coffee_. Anyone who knew Gavin would eventually learn that he hated coffee and avoided drinking it like the plague, he usually made himself a coffee for appearance but never drank it. But the wild Gavin Reed had been spotted in their natural habitat drinking the caffeinated beverage.

 

On this particular Monday Gavin had managed to fall asleep standing up like some kind of horse. Needless to say, this was concerning to the Loving and Caring Boyfriend Hank(tm), so he had made the executive decision to ask Gavin what the fuck was going on. At least, that was the plan until he (unsurprisingly) got sent home for a) being a distraction, b) doing nothing work related whatsoever, and c) falling asleep on his desk at minimum 5 times.

 

According to Connor’s intrusive snooping he could ‘confirm’ that Gavin hadn’t been sleeping. He was truly the best detective of the bunch, no one else could have figured that one out, folks.

 

The Lieutenant decided to postpone his executive decision to ask Gavin what the fuck was going on until after he got off work for the day.

 

* * *

 

Thanks to the power of line breaks, Hank was outside his partner’s apartment and just knocked in his door. The response wasn’t immediate but eventually the front door swung open on its hinges to reveal an exhausted and grumpy looking Gavin, upon realising it was only Hank at his door he looked less grumpy though.

 

“Hey Hank,” his voice was slurred, presumably from exhaustion “watcha doin’ here?”

 

“I, uh, came to check up on you because you don’t exactly look like you’re doing too hot,” Gavin’s face dropped at a little at that.

 

“That obvious, huh?” he had fallen asleep standing up!

 

“Gavin you feel asleep _standing up,”_

 

“Yeah, yeah. I haven’t been sleeping cuz of the insomnia it’s fine, not much I can do about it anyway” no it very clearly was not fine, and Hank was going to help whether it was wanted or not.

 

Eventually Gavin had miraculously fallen asleep that night, in a horrible, kinda uncomfortable, tangled mess with Hank’s limbs but he’d fallen asleep none the less.

 

* * *

 

Irrelevant to the story but look at this yee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gavin ‘i’ve been up all night trying to think about why i’m always tired and what’s causing it’ reed


	16. (add aesthetic title later)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hootin tootin this is simply just a mess of bullshit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everybody loves somebody by dean martin plays ominously in the background

There’s something about lying awake in the early morning with you sleeping partner that’s just so _perfect._ It’s something about the sun, or maybe it’s the fact that you don’t have to be anywhere for several hours, possibly it’s the feeling of the world moving at a snail’s pace around you, but whatever it was felt so stupidly _right._ Chances are that feeling was amplified by the fact that the person you love more than anything in the world is right there in the most enchanting slumber.

 

Gavin obviously wouldn’t **tell** Hank he loved him that much yet, there was no way in hell he’d risk scaring the guy off like that. Eventually he’d get it across, but right now was perfect for just staring in awe that this beautiful man was right there, off with the sandman.

 

Quite possibly, Gavin’s favourite activity was trying to memorise every bit of the Lieutenant that he could. From the way his face softened slightly when he slept, to the unique prints at the end of his fingers, it was all somewhere in the unorganised memory bank of Gavin Reed. If you had to find someone to describe Hank to a criminal sketch artist he would most definitely be the guy to go to (if you didn’t count Connor who had a literal photographic memory).

 

Hank was absolutely perfect in any lighting, setting or location. He had all these miscellaneous attributes that were thrown into a pot and ended up being the concoction for the perfect human being. The crows feet in the corners of his eyes when he laughed, the way he presented himself in a horribly disorganised but kinda endearing manner, the way his unruly beard felt like to run your fingers through, and so many other things that were all so very Hank somehow added up to equal the perfect human being.

 

Naturally he wasn’t actually perfect, he had so many imperfections and flaws but they all blended together into his charm.

 

“You’re staring again, Gav,”

 

“I can’t help it, you’re just so irresistible that I can’t take my eyes off you”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please send me prompts my sheep are running out of crops to graze on and im legally unable to write be gay do crimes


	17. beep boop connor’s helping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> merry christmas cryingcow here’s connor failing to set em up

Setting up dates between your friend and not-so-much friend was harder than you’d think (or maybe it was just as hard as you’d think Connor’s impressive but he can’t read minds).

 

They kept staring at each other from across the room with looks dripping with puppy love and it was _driving Connor up the fucking wall_. The flirting wasn’t any better, in fact it was worse because it hardly even classified as flirting. It was so very obvious that it was meant to be romantic in some way but somehow it missed the mark just enough for neither Hank more Gavin to actually take note of. It was also getting in the way of their work, which they didn’t even do much of in the first place.

 

So far, Connor’s attempts to pair the two up had ended in disaster. He had managed to make them conveniently bump into each other at the most romantic of places and they _still_ hadn’t sorted themselves out enough to start an actual relationship.

 

He was at his and Hank’s house, relaxing after a stressful day of work and he was going to have **words** with Hank right this second to hopefully put an end to everyone’s suffering. _Ding._ He was going to have words with Hank right after he answered this text message.

 

It was from an unknown number and the message said: ‘hey connor its gavin id usually rather eat an entire puddle than talk to you but i need your advice’ ah yes, Gavin Reed, the bane of Connor’s simple existence. He had to respond to this, didn’t he.

 

‘Hello Reed, I presume this is about your inability to act like a grown adult around Hank?’ That was okay, not nearly as insulting as he’d like but it would do.

 

The response was almost instant. ‘i am a grown adult but go off i guess’ followed by a separate text of ‘and yea thats why’ oh he was going to set these two up on the best fucking date ever.

 

* * *

 

Apparently planning the ‘best date ever’ based off of data collected from 2000s sitcoms was a horrible idea and Connor had somehow managed to plan the worst date ever. It was so bad that I’m physically unable to describe it so you have to use your imagination, but the silver lining? Hank and Gavin had gone out on an _actual date_ that they both recognised as a date.

 

They’d be fine as long as Connor stayed out of future planning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please talk to me on tumblr (sergeant-egg) i’m horrible at initiating conversation but y’all seem cool


	18. hump ‘em and dump ‘em

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> xxfrankenheartxx suggested a classic Oh Non We Had A One Night Stand senario

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> references to nsfw obviously
> 
> is somehow managed to do reverse proof reading where i go back through and make it worse so have fun

  1. Get piss drunk at a bar: Check
  2. Go home with someone for a one nighter: Check
  3. Wake up the next morning, naked, with no recollection of the night before: Check
  4. Get dressed and leave before whoever wakes up: Not yet



 

It wasn’t unusual for Gavin to wake up in someone else’s bed after a zipless fuck because that was just how he rolled. A Supreme Sex Machine(tm) unable to be held down by one man. What was unusual for Gavin was to wake up in the bed of someone who was most definitely his coworker that hewas sort of head-over-heels for.

 

Either he died and the afterlife is fucking with him or he’s in Hank fucking Anderson’s bed.

 

Not only was he in Hank’s fucking bed but he was fucking cuddling up to fucking Hank which was a basic fucking no-no in hump ‘em and dump ‘em etiquette. Fuck. The guy has the arms of one of Todd Howard’s mutated green dudes so the likelihood of Gavin slipping out it unnoticed was slim to none, he was just going to bide his time and wait for the Lieutenant to wake up.

 

It was kinda nice in his bed, warm. Hank was warm too, and everything was the prefect amount of soft. Like Baby Bear’s bed in Goldilocks everything was _just right,_ at this rate Gavin would fall back asleep in no time and deal with this when he woke up again. Wait, never mind Hank was waking up, shit.

 

You know how around two minutes into the opening number of Heathers The Musical Veronica Sawyer makes that ‘ahh’ noise? That was exactly what His reaction sounded like (but more like a man aged in his 50s made it rather than a teenage girl).

 

“Reed what the fuck are you doing in my bed,” admittedly he sounded calmer than Gavin expected but there was obvious panic laced into his voice,

“I could ask you the same question!” no he couldn’t.

 

They just sat there staring at each other for a solid minute before either one spoke up. When they did starting talking again it was Hank that initiated it.

 

“Gavin are we naked,” the Realisation and Fear that crossed Hank’s perfectly built facein that moment were not a good sign.

 

“I think we had a dick and duck situation going on last night but i’m not sure,”

 

“Dick and-? Whatever, keep your weird slang to yourself. Can we agree to never bring this up within the next eternity”

 

“...Sure,” and so they shook on it and if anybody asked Gavin wouldn’t say he was a little disappointed he didn’t remember any of the night before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoever came up with the term ‘dick and duck’ needs to be fired


	19. local police android deviates to flirt with foxy lieutenant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dust under the rug suggested android gavin and hank working on some case and pining so YEET

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeeeeeeeeeeee

Hank hated the new GR200 model, he hated all androids, but this one was too human him.

 

For starters it’s face had a lot of imperfections, or at least the ‘personalised model’ that Cyber Lyfe sent the precinct did. It had bags under his eyes, a 5’o clock shadow and several scars scattered around his- _its_ face, with the most distinctive being across its nose. If it weren’t for the pristine clothing labelling it as an android you would have no clue.

 

But how it looked wasn’t the worst part, because some fucker at the android factory had decided to give this particular model a flirty personality. How did that fit into being law enforcement? Who knows!

 

Lady Luck had most definitely fucked Hank over with this one because when it wasn’t on field duty or otherwise busy it loitered around his desk. This would only be slightly annoying if Mr. 1360 left him alone, but **god** did he talk! It! It talk, fuck.

 

It wouldn’t shut up, it’s like there was an infinite database of horrible pickup lines implanted in the GR200’s brain-processor-thing.

 

As far as Hank could tell, he was the only one that received this attention from the otherwise quiet android, which either meant the Fuck Hank’s Life Over division of the government was active again, or this android had gone rouge and was using its new-found freedom to flirt with him.

 

Presumably the former, because there was no way that this stupidly attractive android would risk blowing it’s cover on something stupid like that. Yet, if it was the latter, it wasn’t necessarily a bad thought, to have something designed to be perfect have a crush on you was a flattering (yet unlikely) idea.

 

* * *

 

Hank really had to start investing in lucky charms, a rabbit’s legs or whatever might’ve won over Last Luck and prevented him from this not-so-fun case.

 

Hank had been partnered up with the self proclaimed Bane Of His Existence McSexy Pants.

 

The GR200 model hadn’t been designed for detective work, so he was mostly there as a backup patrol officer, but the fact that he would be the only one really investigating didn’t lessen Hank’s annoyance with the sudden partnership. At no point throughout the investigation had the android stopped flirting with him.

 

It should be really annoying at this point, being pestered by the tin can you were forced to be coworkers with, but Hank found it more endearing than anything else. Although he hadn’t noticed it yet he had accidentally developed a slight crush on the android.

 

“-fuck in a bucket” well that was new. This branch of law enforcement droids weren’t supposed to swear as it ‘created a bad image for the cops’ (as if that needed any help). If so, why did this one just say fuck in a bucket?

 

Well, aside from the obvious criminal that had just jumped them, the final twist of the rubix cube put everything in place and it became clear as day that this GR200 was deviated and flirting with the Lieutenant with some degree of sincerity. After they took care this guy they were going to have a _long chat._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry these updates are short and bad as shit stuffs kinda messy rn


	20. something that’s literally only filler? in my fic? it’s more likely than you’d think.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> somebody wanted a confession where they got together and i can’t remember who

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 20 chapters baybee

You know how at the beginning of the first saw that one guy is panicking and flailing in that bathtub? That was basically how Gavin was feeling at the current moment.

 

He’d been staring at Hank like a lovesick puppy for the past hundred years and so he’d decided to activate Functioning Adult Mode and get his shit together for 5 minutes and say something. Easier said than done.

 

You see, he and Hank didn’t necessarily have the best of relationships. It wasn’t the worst of relationships, and it had gotten a bit better as of late. They weren’t total asses to each other but they weren’t even onto being friends yet.

 

Taking that into account the likelihood of his infatuation being returned was slim to none, but he’d be dammed if he wasn’t maybe possibly kinda going to try. Not today though? Yeah definitely not today he’d lay low and wait for the right moment.

 

* * *

 

Well the right moment hasn’t come along yet and Gavin was mentally kicking himself for not saying something. His procrastination had gotten to a point where there wasn’t anytime in the near future he could see himself delivering the well thought out speech he had memorised.

 

Thank fuck Gavin’s an idiot who accidentally let the beans out of the bag, though.

 

It was a cold, 50° day on February 17th when he got awkward and unintentionally invited Hank over to his apartment to chat. He’d been in the break room, standing at a table and avoiding work when that handsome fucker waltzed in and Gavin melted on the spot as per usual.

 

Instead of just boring holes into the guy with how much he was staring, he opened his horrible, treasonous mouth instead. As year 7 science classes have taught us, no information can escape a black hole, and in this scenario Gavin’s mouth is the black hole.

 

All he managed to get out was something along the lines of ‘I need to talk to you about something later’ before it descended into gibberish and madness that probably made no sense. Despite the awkwardness of it all, Hank had laughed (Gavin would personally kill every person on the planet to make that man laugh again) and proposed the idea of Gavin’s after work so he could say what he needed to say.

 

Only after the conversation had ended did he realise Hank didn’t actually know where he lived, so he had to call him back and tell him. Against all odds he managed coherent english.

 

* * *

 

 

His palms were sweaty. _Very_ sweaty. Like some kind of teenager that got invited to homecoming by the most popular and prettiest guy in school.

 

He’d driven back to his home sweet home with Hank **in his car.** His car god dammit! He shouldn’t be such a disaster from just driving with the man of his dreams in the passenger seat, should he? Maybe he should call his doctor about the sweat?

 

“Ah phck think straight for one damn second, you’re driving you fool” He hadn’t meant to say that allowed. Well, guess he has to die now, goodbye cruel world.

 

“What was that?” Apparently Hank hadn’t heard him, or he pitied the smaller man enough to pretend he didn’t hear it. Hopefully the former.

 

“Nothing!” Not defensive sounding at all, calm and collected was Gavin’s middle name. Gavin Calm And Collected Reed.

 

Before the Lieutenant could respond they (thankfully) arrived at their destination.

 

When Gavin was unlocking the door he came to the realisation that everything except the front living room was horribly messy and covered in shit, hopefully Hank didn’t go anywhere else or have to use the bathroom.

 

“Me caso et so caso, make yourself at home”

 

“Thanks but I think your cat is plotting my death so I’ll hold off on the ‘making myself at home’ bit,” Oh shit that little bastard exists he almost forgot.

 

“Oh, hah, don’t mind Ketchup. So uh, do you. Should we talk about or- do you want a glass of water or anything?”

 

“Nah, I do wanna know what you were banging on about at work though.” Yes, right, that was a thing that Gavin wanted to do. He was already mining past rock bottom, why not go down a bit more?

 

“That, um, was about the fact that- that I can’t really- phck I’m sorry uh, what I’m trying to say is that I think I like you? In that sort of, sorta romantic kinda way? I mean that probably sounds crazy because I’m an ass to you and you’re probably not interested and-“

 

“Gavin”

 

“-I know you probably have more important things to do than deal with this right now and you’ve probably noticed the staring because I’m not exactly subtle about it but I can’t help it because you’re just so amazing-“

 

_“Gavin”_

 

“-would it be easier if i left now? I know this is my apartment or whatever but I’m okay to skip the country if you want me too and-“

 

Oh. Hank Anderson was kissing him. Well that’s new.


	21. christmas in july in august

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> x frankenstein wanted christmas i think uuuuuu yeah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yall i put,,non,,, effort into this yee haw

Tina had set up a Christmas in July party and Gavin was obligated to go. Tina was pretty much his only friend and he would usually be very happy to visit the Chen household. but not this time around.

 

Don’t get him wrong, Gavin lived spending time with Tina and her wife, but practically all of the fucking police forces from Detroit to New Zealand were invited! Well not quite, that was a huge exaggeration, but there were a lot of people going. Worst of all Hank was going.

 

As has been well established at this point, Gavin has a big ole crush on the guy, and the Two Musketeers Tina and Connor had most likely been plotting something. They were always plotting something, the bastards.

 

But he didn’t have enough solid evidence of their scheme to decline going. So he donned his ugliest sweater, took it off because it was smack bang in the middle of summer, and went wearing something weather appropriate instead.

 

* * *

 

Either Connor had taken up tree fishing, or there was something fishy going on. No sane person would have one of those cliche stick-and-mistletoe combos without a horrible reason.

 

On top of that practically every doorway had that horrible plant hanging there. He was gonna punch that android and politely talk to Tina later. As of right now he had a different problem to deal with.

 

So caught up in his thoughts, he had hardly noticed the almost comical way Connor hung the rod of doom over him and Mr. Not Perfect But Pretty Damn Good. Phck. According to holiday expectations they had to smooch now.

 

Its weird how some dumb little plant had that power, isn’t it? You walk under a leaf and BOOM! Now you have to attach your face to another human being’s! He might as well just get this over with rather than thinking about the philosophy of mistletoe.

 

Pushing up onto his toes (he should’ve worn stilts or really big heels god dammit) he gave Hank a quick peck on the lips and hoped his face wasn’t as red as feels. Chances are it was as red as it felt, but hey! He kissed Hank! The same Hank who’s face was also fairly red right now, was he embarrassed? Ah phck he shouldn’t have done that now he ruined Hank’s life and he’ll have to move to West Virginia and live with Mothman, not a bad existence but it wouldn’t have Hank.

 

The thought never crossed his mind that the Lieutenant was blushing for the same reason as him, probably because Gavin’s an absolute gay disaster but watcha gonna do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “haha gavin’s short” i say, whilst being a fully groqn fool a whole foot minus an inch shorter than him


	22. aw yeah beds my folks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> someone whom i cannot remember asked for bed sharing which is very good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gravy,,,,,GravygrAVy,,,,,,gr,,,,avy,,,,,

Fluorescent lights glared above him, not allowing him any rest as he snuggled up into his boyfriends side.

 

He wrapped his arms around Hank’s torso and smooshed his face into the taller man’s chest to block out the light. The clean blankets were soft the lay under and a human heater was lying right next to him, way too perfect of a situation to get up from.

 

“Listen Gravy, we really have to get out of this bed in negative 10 minutes,”

 

“No,” absolute slander, disrespected by his own partner in this good christian minecraft server, “you’ll have to kill me before I get up,”

 

“There’s no way I’m gonna kill you but we really have to leave,” a small kiss was planted on the top of his head, why would anyone trying to convince to get _up_ make it so much more convincing to stay _in?_

 

“I’ll tell you a joke if you stay in bed?” boom, bargaining. Hank loved his bad jokes so there was no way he’d turn down this offer.

 

After a moment of hesitation, he heard a grumbled ‘fine’ and went straight (hah!) for the punch line,

“In what language do you tell a horse named Don that’s also a chef to be quite?”

 

“What language?”

 

“Swedish!”

 

There was a beat. Obviously this finely crafted, home grown joke went right over his boyfriend’s head.

 

“Håll käften is shut up in Swedish you uncultured swine,”

 

“Oh,” there was a chuckle, probably a pity chuckle but it was nice to hear all the same, “why do you know that, babe?”

 

“My mum used to yell it at our dog,”

 

Around this time was when one of the IKEA’s staff came over and kicked them out of the display bed. A shame really, Gavin was getting comfortable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a idea i’m gonna base every chapter of be gay do crimes of a different abba song and you can’t stop me even though i’ll probably never get around to writng it


	23. soul mates and eye balls yeehaw

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> one of you,,,,,i cannot be bothered to check who for any of these but SOMEONE wanted this soulmate au and i’m always down for them mate soul dudes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhghhhhgggggggghhhhhh

Imagaine, if you will, a bright and shiny, fresh out the academy Gavin Reed. He’d rocked up for his first day at the Detroit City Police Department all ready for his first day of looking at corpses.

 

Okay so maybe he wasn’t all bright and cheery. He was still kind of a grumpy asshole but whatever he was Squeaky Clean rather than the greasy dude we all know and love.

 

He worked there a while. All whilst hearing about how great this ‘Lieutenant Anderson’ guy was, and seeing him and that funky Red Ice Whatjamacallit on the news, but never actually meeting him in person.

 

However, that changed when a certain well-known someone transferred to the homicide division.

 

At first Gavin wasn’t looking forward to meeting him. He seemed like the kind of guy that he wouldn’t get along with based on what he’d heard, and the detective didn’t want to piss of anyone else at the precinct. But when they made brief eye contact from across the room and the word flooded with colour he _really_ wasn’t looking forward to meeting him.

 

Everything was spinning and the transition from monochrome to a kaleidoscope of colour was so sudden that he fell over onto his face. Great first impression, Reed, maybe no one will notice if he doesn’t get up?

 

You see, at age 7 Gavin had denounced supposed soulmates in fear of the dreaded ‘cooties’ and to prove that he ‘didn’t need any dumb colours getting in the way of things’. If he was anything it was stubborn, and that meant he’d carried that denouncement into adulthood.

 

This made it very difficult to function in this situation, because he forgot that he probably had a soulmate himself.

 

Eventually someone shook his shoulder, probably to see if he was dead or not. Shame he wouldn’t get to go to his post-death office party, that would be a hoot.

 

“Uuh, fuck, little dude are you alright? Not dead?” the voice was sorta husky and unfamiliar, wait a fucking second was he just called little?

 

“I’m not small you phck bucket,” it came out more defensive than he’d of liked but that was fine. This was fine. If he kept his eyes shut and face to the floor everything would stay black and he wouldn’t have a soulmate!

 

“No need to be defensive ‘bout it,” a nervous chuckle. The stress and panic leaking through this guy’s voice was making Gavin feel stressed and panicked, “Just wanted to know if you were okay? And if everything was all normal vision wise because, uh,”

 

Ah shit this bastard talking to him was Lieutenant Anderson. What does he do? Stay face down? Talk to him? Run off to Australia and start a small farm where he lured in feral goats and raises them as his own? Vote now on your phones.

 

He was probably going to have to talk to him eventually, though, so he sucked it up and dramatically rolled over.

 

“Listen Hank, can I call you Hank or is it Henry? I don’t know why a unicorn just threw up into my eyes but I’m not talking to you about it on the police station floor,”

 

“Then where do we talk about it? You just fell over and weren’t getting up so there weren’t exactly a lot of options”

 

Had it not been for the laws of this land, he would have screamed, but he didn’t want to be lectured about making loud and obnoxious noises in the workplace again.

 

“I don’t, phck, I don’t know, outside?”

 

“Um, sure,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anybody down for like,,,hankvin discord?,,,i crave company and wanna talk bout these fellas,,,,,,,,,but am horrible at mono to mono conversation,,,,,,,,,,,,,,m,,,


	24. alexa,,,,,

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is gay, siri play ain’t that a kick in the head by dean martin

It was three in the morning and they were lying on Hank’s couch watching the very dated hit sit-com FRIENDS.

 

Considering they had to be at work later it was really a poor choice of actions but it was nice. Gavin was laid down sideways with his head in Hank’s lap, which was always a nice position to sit in and even more so when your boyfriend was soft and warm.

 

There were idle fingers running through his hair, a lovely and comforting little gesture that made Gavin’s chest get all fluttery no matter how many times it happened. Maybe he should see a doctor if the heart palpitations persist.

 

They were both watching the tv as the show played. Ross was a dick, Chandler was funny, Phoebe was commuting some illegal act, usual stuff. They were just existing in each other’s space and it was fairly domestic if I do say so myself.

 

“Hey you were alive when friends came out, right? What was that like to see it live,”

 

“Gavin I was nine there was no way my parents would’ve let me watch a show with sexual references,”

 

“Really?” A tired look of surprise painted his face as he turned away from the television to look up at Hank, “I watched Saw when I was eight,”

 

“That’s just bad parenting, Gav,” his gaze was returned by the man above him, _dammit he could drown in those eyes and he wouldn’t complain_ , “but it does explain why Kamski acts like _that,”_

 

“Nah that’s not it Honey-bun, he didn’t watch those movies because I dragged him into the woods and read him the Slenderman creepypasta one time and it scared him shitless,”

 

“Why was he afraid of Slenderman? Isn’t he a tall, thin twink that lives in the woods too?”

 

That sent Gavin into a laughing fit, it was late and the comment was just funny enough for Tired Gavin to find it tear-jerkingly hilarious. Gavin’s laughter eventually lead to Hank laughing, and it continued that way until they were both out of breath.

 

“You’re killing me Hank, stomping me to death with your hooves, but speaking of tall, thin twinks do you think I should introduce Connor to doge?”

 

There was a gentle pole to his cheek from the man above as the taller of the two let out a small laugh,

“Babe, why would you force that poor boy to suffer through 2013 memes? Do you still hate androids that much?”

 

“I’m not doing it to make him suffer, Hank. And I’ve been lectured enough to not hate them you know that,” he decided to reach up poke his human-pillow’s cheek back. Squishy.

“It’s just that he likes dogs and you’ve been making him play that old spanish song every ten seconds, you know, the despair one,”

 

“Blasphemy. Did you just call Despacito the ‘despair spanish song’? Unacceptable. I think I have to break up with you now.”

 

“Oh come on it’s not that ba-“

 

“Don’t you dare say it’s not that bad, Gav. Need I remind you that this song plagued humanity all from 2017 to 2019? The official release of the sequel to this song was what got the 2020 president elected, and we were cursed with it for 8 more years,”

 

“Hank I really don’t need a Despacito history lesson,”

 

“I think you do, I’m surprised you even managed to take history in school with this kind of ignorance,”

 

“Despacito wasn’t exactly important when we were going over the Cuban Missile Crisis, but if it becomes relevant I’ll let you know,”

 

He decided to prevent any further Despacito Facts from being yeeted at him that he’d shut his partner up with a kiss square on the lips.

 

“I’m going to bed now, so don’t move ‘cause I’m sleeping right here on your lap,”

 

“Alexa this is so sad, play Despacito.”

 

“F”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y’all,,,  
> https://discord.gg/nNxnR4R


	25. that one c a m p f i r e s o n g song from spongebob

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> horribly formatted camping that makes no sense

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me, chuckling as i type up this mess on my phone with the wips of be gay do crimes, a say anything au, and a zombie apocalypse au that involves too much arson sitting there abandoned

According to Connor’s ‘friends’ on the internet a camping trip was a great way for a ‘new family’ to bond. Gavin, however, did not like the idea of being dragged into the woods with a robot detective and giant monster of a dog. Being in the woods with Hank is an okay idea but it’s on thin fucking ice.

 

Suffice to say, an Anderson Family Camping Trip (okay Gavin wasn’t an Anderson yet but given the opportunity he most definitely would be because it would piss the station off to have 3 Andersons in the one department) was a horrible idea that would most definitely turn into something akin to a sitcom episode.

 

* * *

 

They were setting up tents, which went surprisingly well considering that tents are stupid and large and impossible to assemble. There were a few mistakes in the way of Gavin almost impaling himself (several times) on one of those bendy metal stick things, but he lived to tell the tale so that was fine and dandy.

 

You’d think that in the good year of 2k40 they’d have a widespread chain of instantly buildable tents but apparently not, another failure from consumerism. If those tents did exist, a massive Saint Bernard couldn’t almost kill you during the process of putting it up, so it seems like a product that would sell.

 

After the tents they went on a hike-ish type thing. Basically they walked for a little bit and then walked back.

 

Nothing exciting happened, it was mediocre looking, like a classic camping grounds forest. He got to ride on Hank’s shoulders for a short while, which was fantastic, one of the many perks of dating Gogmagog. And he saw a couple frogs that he was stalking a little bit, and there was an ostrich, which made absolutely no sense because they’re native to Africa, but if it put in all the effort to fly over to Detroit then Gavin wasn’t about to say anything. Even though ostriches can’t fly.

 

But hey! No one had died, no one had gotten horribly lost, and there was only one bear.

 

It was probably good for Gavin to participate in the ‘family bonding’, he’d been indifferent and a little bit terrified of Connor and Sumo before but he was starting to genuinely enjoy their company. Connor had a million and one fun facts about trees that he was willing to share (which was more interesting than it sounded) and Sumo was a lot less threatening when he was being playful and sweet.

 

The best part of the trip was at night, though. They’d set up a fire (after a lesson on fire safety (Gavin didn’t need it, he’d watched Paw Patrol as a teen)) and the stars were out, which you could see a lot more of with less light pollution from the city.

 

The fire was warm, he was leaning on Hank, the sky was painted with billions of little lights, and it felt nice. Maybe he’d have to be forced into the woods some other time too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooo that’s uuuuuuh funky fresh nmnnmmm


	26. damn another soulmate au that i put through an edgey teen translator

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it’s that soulmate au where the last thing your soulmate says to you is printed on your skin somewhere,,
> 
> BE WARNED there’s character death and minor(?) gore description, mainly me rambling about blood but i don’t think it’s very detailed? ish?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> had to kill gavin at some point,guy wouldn’t shuttup about fortnite,,

It was really fucking stupid, almost painfully so.

 

He didn’t do shit when it happened, not that he was expecting anything to happen, it was sudden, stupid and absolutely horrific. He can’t stress how stupid it all was. It went downhill so fast.

 

It was a common situation, a situation he’d been in a million and a half times. Someone was murdered, he had to go check it out, Gavin was already at the crime scene because they’d both been called there. It had happened before time and time again.

 

1:23 am, Hank had gotten to the site of the crime. It was the nature strip on the side of the road by a run-down looking set of local stores. There was the body of a caucasian male identified as something, something. He didn’t care.

 

He’d been briefed by one of the cops already there on what presumably went down. The guy had been beaten by an unidentified blunt object in the back of the head, outside of the seafood place, roughly 3 hours ago, and then dragged across the ground and dumped where they could see it now. A passerby had seen it and made the call.

 

It was 1:28 am when he was by the spot the actual murder took place, and Gavin was there too.

 

“Nice to see ya, old man. Got any motives?”

 

It was dripping with sarcasm and gave off a tone of not caring for a response, and so he didn’t give the remark any attention except for a grunt of acknowledgement.

 

There was blood, obviously. Someone died of course there was blood. There was always blood.

 

Hank’s god damn company then went and opened the door to the seafood place,

“What the hell do you think your doing, Reed? Dontcha need permission to go snooping around in places you don’t belong?”

 

“Calm your fucking tits, Anderson. The door is unlocked so there’s a chance our guy went in here. I’m just taking a look around go bug someone else ‘cuz I can do this just fine alone,”

 

And that’s when it went to shit.

 

You wouldn’t think that one second someone would be opening a door and in the next they’d be dead on the concrete, but sometimes it works out like that.

 

The crook was evidently hiding out in the store. Whoever it was had panicked when Gavin made the decision to look inside and fired several shots from a .45 in the general direction of the entrance.

 

It happened too fast and too slow all at the same time.

 

There was blood, a different kind of blood from what was drying on the pavement. It stained the air and looked so out of place that it didn’t feel real. But it was real, and Hank could feel it on his face and see it painting the man on the ground in an abstract mess.

 

He didn’t take in anything that happened after that. He couldn’t even fixate his attention on Gavin on the ground and the sick mess of glass and blood around him.

 

All that registered was that apparently his soulmate was his prick of a coworker, because how else would he have read the line on his skin like an actor in a play. It was funny. Stupid and funny.

 

He would’ve laughed, had it not been for the circumstances.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> f


	27. /not actually an update owo

h ello i’m not dead but please send some kind of prompts. i reallly wanna update this for you guys but uuuuuuuuuh

1- i cannot funking write zombie crap for shit oof so i’m unlikely to write anything for brain dead anytime soon,?

and 2-my deadass fucking gremlin brain took a time machine back to 2010 and now all i can think about is the oily boston baseball man that goes ‘eee’. so i’m unlikely to think of any ideas for myself

so to some it up send reqwests pwease?


	28. let’s go to the beach beach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ninki minjanj

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the lack of writing, and even tho i know i said i was gonna try and update again i might have to go back on that a little bc je suis stressed and bankrupt,
> 
> also sorry that this is stupidly short ,’(

The beach was calmer than the hustle and bustle of inner-city Detroit, even if it did take driving across too many states to actually get to a beach. And it would be calmer still if Hank’s arm didn’t sting of pins and needles.

 

At some point during their relaxing and moderately romantic sit on the beach Gavin had passed out on Hank’s shoulder, which lead to his current predicament.

 

It was almost like he had a cat on him, he so badly wanted to get up but also didn’t want to awaken the tired mess flopped down on top of him.

 

Hank made the decision of removing the koala man from his person, and with an awkward, jerky movement the smaller man fell off him and landed face first onto the beach.

 

For a moment he panicked, knowing that anyone would be unhappy to wake up to a mouthful of sand (especially one particular grumpy ass rat bastard known as Gavin Reed). But, to his surprise, the man didn’t even stir.

 

That’s when Hank realised something that he had somehow managed to completely miss previously. Gavin was a really heavy sleeper.

 

Then a thought cage to mind that was a tiny bit cruel; He was gonna bury that asshole in the sand.

 

Hours later, well after the sun had set, Gavin drearily woke up. To his surprise he was covered from head to shoulders in sand, and was already filing for divorce.


End file.
